Wednesday, June 27, 2007

offseason silliness

My fellow HLOG'er Jordi suggested I make this bit of fun into a full post and I just had to oblige her. Because, making fun of celebrities is always a good time. Adding hockey to it? Double the fun. Then there is the fact that the most searched for items on my blog seem to be "Mike Fisher's girlfriend" or "Jordin Tootoo is hot". Get your mind out of the gutter people! This is a klassy blog.

So, this is pretty much a hockey version of matchmaker, but you need to give at least one valid (ok, it doesnt need to be
valid. In fact, it can be a completely made up) reason why the celebrity and the NHL'er should date. For example:

"Rod Brind'Amour should date Carol Alt since they both love working out, and she can teach him some fashion sense so he never wears an outfit like that to the NHL awards again. Plus, that means she can dump Yashin, hopefully emotionally scarring him enough that he doesnt attempt to play hockey ever again"

Gimme some of your own in the comments.

1) Mike Fisher and Britney Spears. He can show her the way to salvation, and she can show him her...well, I guess anyone can see that on Maybe he can just buy her some underwear?

2) Mike Comrie and Dina Lohan. Both sleazy. And I just have this feeling that Comrie looooves older women. I can just see him in a white silk shirt and a gold chain, taking shots of Malibu with the Orange Oprah.

3) Mike Modano and ANYONE but Willa Ford. I would rather have Mike Modano marry a gorilla. At least they could have an intelligent conversation. Ca-ching! Folks, I'm here all week.

4) Ray Emery and Fergie. It would be flossy. I have to admit, the main reason I made this one up was to be able to say that I used the term "flossy" in a sentence.

5) Dion Phaneuf and Lindsay Lohan. Because I can completely see her in one of those little red t-shirts, flashing the TV and screaming "Let me lick your stick Dion!" at the camera while promoting her newest movie that is targeted at 6-10 year olds.

6) Ed Belfour and Tara Reid. An excerpt of the conversation between them:

Ed: Tara, have you seen my Cialis?
Tara: Oops, I thought they were my Valtrex and I took them.

7) Sean Avery and Star Jones. Can you imagine it? Seriously though, can you? Cause every time I think about it I start to feel like my brain might explode.

8) Mike Keenan and Dr. Ruth. Two words: anger management.

9) Evgeni Malkin and Paris Hilton. It wont be a problem that Malkin doesnt speak English since I sincerely doubt that dating Paris Hilton includes a lot of deep conversation.
NOTE: the author has admirably restrained herself from making any " her mouth would be full anyway" jokes here.

10) And my favorite: Sidney Crosby and Pamela Anderson. They could be nice to pets together and go to PETA meetings (you know Sid has got to have some pet bunnies named Flora and Fauna at home) and Pam could teach Sid about girls. Yes Sid, girls. And no, Uncle Mario never has to know.

Note: apparently I am not the only one getting lots of queries for "naked hockey player" on my blog. Is it wrong that I feel less special?


Ally Sinatra said...

I am posting under Ally Sinatra just for Rage:)

LOL!!! This is so funny. and very very klassy.

Ally S said...

Oh crap, I didnt make one up when I commented. Here it is

Sergei Samsonov and Paula Abdul. Both of them are past their prime.

Tracy said...

Ouch. Burn. ^^ But I laughed anyway... :)

Shmee said...

Ally: Very nicely one.

Tracy: Its only good when it burns (or so Tara Reid tells me)

Tracy said...

LOL! That Tara... she has some funny notions. I can't even think of anything to respond with... congratulations, you have silenced a loud-mouth. I just hope you're happy. :P

Shmee said...

I have way too much faith in you as a fellow loud mouth to let you get off that easy. You gotta make one up!

Bitchany said...

Ohhhhhhhhh I got one...Jordin Tootoo and Michelle Rodriguez...I'm pretty sure that they both have some anger they need to get out...and come on you know he is not happy with Kellie Pickler!

Rage said...

Bitchany got it right on the money. Tootoo and Rodriguez would be perfect.

And Belfour actually said to Tara: "I'll give you a billion dollars for ****"

And Ally, thanks. You're a real doll.

CapsChick said...

NOTE: the author has admirably restrained herself from making any "her mouth would be full anyway" jokes here.

*Ahem* I see no restraint there, missy...but who cares, cracked me up :)

Shmee said...

Bitchany: Excellent point. And then Michelle Rodriguez would leave Jordin Tootoo for Kellie Pickler.

Rage: What is it about Tara Reid and Ed Belfour that is so damn funny? Maybe its because they are both a mess? I cant figure it out.

CapsChick: Hahah, I had to put it in there.

Bitchany said...

Shmee I was going to put that but figured I would contain myself haha....

Rage said...

Yes, because they're both a mess. And it's amazing.

Tara Reid used to be so good looking...when I was 14...and hormonal...maybe that was all girls though.

Shmee said...

No you are right, she was hot for a while. Remember the first American Pie movie? But then she seemed to get permanently bloated. And then she started dating Sergei Federov.

Bitchany said...

Wasn't she engaged to Carson Daly for a while also?

Shmee said...

Hey, I completely forgot about that! I remember, she went on TRL after they broke up and it was AWKWARD.

Rage said...

Carson Daly has done really really really really well for himself. And so has that moron Valderrama.

Bitchany said...

I watched that TRL...haha...that is like the worst couple in history...

Shmee said...

How is it possible that they are millionaires and we are not? Do we all need to get crappy TV shows?

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